Get Off My Mind, Boston Businessman!

Ever since I engaged in some late-night back alley way groping with Boston Businessman, I've started to question some of my motives--and feelings. I believe I stated in my post about that night that I was "so drunk I just went along with it" when he started making out with me. The next day, as I was driving, I started to think about that. There are many, many people who I would never make out with regardless of how drunk I was. I could be half conscious with tequila dripping down my face and I still would fend off unwanted lovers. 

So then I started to panic. What does this mean? Do I just make out with BB because he's my friend and I don't want to hurt his feelings? Or because really, I actually kind of like him? I know that BB is a good guy, he is the kind of guy I want to like, the kind I want to want to date. Unfortunately, I have a thing for bad boys. I like guys who are cocky and assholes and stick their penis's in lots of women. I don't want to like these guys, I just can't help it! This has left me single and angry. So then, is it possible that someone who is right for me is right in front of me? I mean, he is one of my only male friends I haven't slept with, and who continues to be my friend despite the fact that I have rejected him numerous times. He does know a lot of my baggage and doesn't seem to mind. He stayed my friend even after he told me he wanted to date me but I was obsessed with one of his friends, and wasn't shy about talking about him (I was such a jerk!). But as much as he is a great guy, and I have a good time with him I wonder, maybe I'm just into the fact that he's into me.

Because really, that spark is missing. I think.  

Leave Me Alone, Creepers

Last night I forgot to remove the I Like Creepers sign on my back before heading out for the evening. 

I thought I'd test out the power of the little-black-dress. The power is still there, unfortunately, who it attracts has just morphed from classy to trashy. 

Let's take a moment to identify each creeper I encountered last night so as to not confuse them once we delve into the creepy drunken mess that was my night. First of all we have Polish Giant, then there was Paris (apparently his real name which I find so interesting I'm not even going to bother to change it), then there was Phlegm and last but not least Detroit Chocolate. 

The night started off uneventful and boring like most of the nights out with my friends. As we sat in a booth in a local bar, squished between a few of my girlfriends and one of our guy friends who consistently licks the side of my face when he drinks, I realized I needed to get out of there. 

"Let's go somewhere else, I can't work my game from inside this booth." And so we did. We took our little tipsy bums over to creeper-land. I, unlike many of my friends, enjoy talking to new people while out. I figure, if I'm going to go out to drink, the point is to talk to people I don't know, otherwise wouldn't I just drink at home? So I found a group of recently graduated lawyers (mmm taste the potential) and planted myself in the middle of their conversation. Unfortunately, the guy I was actually into talking to walked away and left me with Polish Giant who had seriously wide set eyes that slightly resembled fetal alcohol syndrome and a weird crooked smile which was not attractive. After he told me his life story which included each place in Europe that he has lived (trust me the list was not short), he decided to burden me with his big life decision about moving to Germany to practice Law or staying in town to work with companies that clean water (how the fuck are those two even slightly related?). I decided I had had enough of Polish Giant and was worried he might ask for my number or something. 

As I walked away, a cute blond boy stopped and gaped at me and said, "wow you're cute." Nice line buddy. So this boy happened to be a lawyer as well, apparently they were in an abundance last night and he started to tell me how much he loved my polo style dress. I'm not sure this an acceptable comment for a straight guy, then again, neither is wearing a V-neck T-shirt and seersucker shorts. A few minutes into the conversation, I realized I didn't know his name and since I actually was slightly intrigued I decided to ask. When he responded Paris, I nearly choked on the ice in my vodka tonic. "That's great, like Paris Hilton" I told him.

"No, like the city." Wow, what a genius. 

"So are you practicing law right now?"

"Nope" Paris started to get a bit handsy and was attempting to hold my hand and grope me at the same time. 

"So what do yo do?" I shook his hand out of mine. Excuse me, but you are not my boyfriend and we do not need to hold hands. 

"I sell coke." This was a new one. I'm not really sure how to respond in this situation. I didn't really want him to send out his supplier to kill me if I answered wrong.

"Um..cool?" Paris laughed.

"I'm just kidding, I used to be a pot dealer though. Before I was a lawyer that is." Right. I feel super comforted in who is defending the public. 

All of a sudden, I was ambushed. As Paris leaned in close to my face he murmured, "Can I kiss you?" 

"No you may not, I don't even know you." Despite everything, I am not the girl who makes out with some random in the middle of a bar. 

Right in the nick of time, Paris's friend came up and told him they were leaving for an after bar party. (I wasn't aware that those still occurred after college). "Do you want to come, 135 1st St." Sorry Paris, going to pass on this one. 

I walked out of the bar to try and find the group of friends I had come with and as I walked past a group of 3 men, one, a very tall, very dark haired, very handsome one stopped and stared at me. "She's cute!" He exclaimed. I giggled and gave him my best, I'm thinking about you naked, smile. 

"Hi there" Then he looked down at my chest, looked back at his friends and proceeded to say,

"Look! Another Jew!" Wow. 

"Um, do you know your speaking out loud?" I asked him. He just smiled. Not sure he was the brightest crayon in the box. As cute as he was, turns out Phlegm had a name that rhymed with his nick-name and he didn't even live in town. Not interested. Strangely, he invited me to the same A-bar that Paris did. 

Finally I managed to make my way to my friends and we proceeded to walk back to our respective homes. Somehow I ended up walking with one of my guy friends who I was unaware was even at the bars. This was good. I could make it home safely and without anymore unnecessary creeping. Wrong. 

A tall drink of chocolate milk approached me while I was on my cell-phone with my friend.

"Oh shit, she's talking to her boyfriend!" Annoyed, I shooed him away with my hand and said, 

"It's not my boyfriend." This was obviously a mistake. 

"Oooh, it's not her boyfriend! Hey girl, I just really want to get to know you, where you going?" God, will this never end?

"To my apartment..." He looked panicked.

"Well, can I buy you a drink? or some food? Can I buy you a steak?" A steak? Are you fucking serious? Who eats steaks at 3:00 AM? 

"Um, I don't think they sell steaks at this time of night." I answered. All the while my guy friend stood by, useless as most guys are. 

"Sure they do, right here." Detroit Chocolate pointed to the store behind him, which indeed had an awning which said RED STEAKS. Great. It was like a scene from a bad movie. 

"No I don't think so." As we walked away, I hit my guy friend on the arm. "You jackass, why didn't you pretend to be my boyfriend?" 

"You didn't give me the signal!!" He defended himself. Guys are so useless. Women shouldn't have to give any sort of signal when someone is creeping on them and offering to buy them large slabs of meat at 3:00 AM. 

I am glad that apparently I was looking good last night, but all in all, Polish Giant, Paris, Phlegm and Detroit chocolate did nothing for me in the long run. This makes me nervous. I worry I am never going to find a normal guy. Quite possibly, searching for my life partner at the bars is not the best idea. Something to consider.

 

20 Something Virgins and Late Night Groping

Last night was a disaster. 

Okay, so disaster might be a bit extreme but I woke up this morning slightly nauseous, with a serious hangover and a why-the-hell-did-I-do-that headache. Plus, my car was not at my apartment and the waves of nausea that washed over me increased as I arose from my passed out state and realized it was in a parking ramp that doesn't allow over night parking. On the plus side, at least I was safe and didn't drive home drunk? (help me here, I'm trying to make myself feel better). 

Anyways, last night started out fairly normal. I went to a local place to have a drink by the water with a friend who is in town for the week. Let's call him Boston Businessman. So BB and I have been friends for a few years, but we had a tumultuous friendship which consisted mainly of him being angry at me for dating other guys(not him) and a few drunken attacks at my face from his mouth. I had thought we were over this though--he's not been in the same city as me for about a year now. So, the night went well at first. We had some beer...and then some more beer.

Then his friend joined us. And he was hot. Really hot. Then he started talking about he was actually interesting and fun to be out with. I was looking good and started to think, hmm this could have potential. Then, about halfway through the night after I had consumed numerous mixed drinks and a few tequila shots(this was a mistake) and proceeded to word vomit the story of my life, including a lot of my sexual history which out of context makes me sound fairly slutty, this guy goes and says the worst thing ever: He's a virgin. Um? It got worse. He's actually waiting for marriage. People still do that? Like, really? I mean, I have a friend who tells people he's waiting for marriage because he is so religious but really he's just waiting for marriage with his current girlfriend, he's actually had sex quite a bit. So Virgin continues to talk about how so many girls have tried to sleep with him and he rejects them and maybe thats why he can't keep a girlfriend. You think? Virgin turns to me and says, "Yeah, most girls are really surprised to learn I am a virgin." I respond with,

"Maybe because your hot? And in your mid 20's?" That totally plummeted his stock. I can deal with guys who are slightly awkward or who may not have been totally sexually experienced but a guy who is unwilling to have sex before marriage. Not for me. I cursed fate for sending me a hottie who won't give it up.  At bar time, we went to leave and Virgin went to walk the other way so I left to walk to my car with Boston Businessman. 

About two blocks into the walk, I realized two things: I really couldn't drive home and I really wanted a sandwich. BB and I drunkenly stumbled into the sandwich shop (or at least I stumbled) and then continued on our way. Suddenly, BB pulls me into a dark alleyway. 

"Um, are you going to like assault me or something?" I asked. He turned to me and said, 

"Come on now, let's get real" as he leaned in towards my face. Oh great. Not again. I pride myself that BB is one of my only male friends I haven't slept with (which is why he is still my friend). So as BB aggressively made out with me, I stood there thinking, I am a 20 something standing in a dark alleyway making out with my friend at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. This is not good.  After I pushed him off of me, I asked him to give me a ride home. Back in his car, he attacked me again. This time, he was getting all handsy and groping me. Suddenly, he takes my hand and places it on his boner. Oh jesus. Things just kept getting worse. And the whole time I am like, Why on earth am I doing this? This just made me feel horrible because I know he is into me and for whatever reason, despite the fact that he is a really nice, good guy, I've never been able to look at him that way. Then he whispered in my ear, 

"Let's go back to your place." At this, I really had to push him away. 

"BB, I am not going to sleep with you. You are my friend. I am not going to fuck that up."

"But we won't fuck it up." Guys are such idiots. Obviously, you will say anything if you want to get laid.

"Yes, I always fuck it up. I want to still be your friend." BB decided to get all intense then.

"You will still be my friend, how long have you known me?" I thought about this. 

"I guess about 2 years or so?"

"And how long did you know all those other guys you've slept with?"

"Not that long..."

"Exactly." What? Drunk guys do not argue their points well when they are thinking with their penis. Needless to say, I said no, pushed him off of me and told him I'd see him tomorrow. Then I went upstairs and passed out.

When I woke up this morning, I had that familiar feeling of regret that I usually get after sleeping with someone I shouldn't. Strangely, the only time I feel this way when there is no sex involved is with BB. 

Is it really too much to ask to want to just have a good male friend who doesn't grope you in the alleyway at bar time?

You might be wondering, if I wasn't into it, why did I continue to make out with him for so long. Well, let me answer that for you:

Tequila. There is a reason I should never drink tequila. Especially on a Wednesday.