20 Something Virgins and Late Night Groping

Last night was a disaster. 

Okay, so disaster might be a bit extreme but I woke up this morning slightly nauseous, with a serious hangover and a why-the-hell-did-I-do-that headache. Plus, my car was not at my apartment and the waves of nausea that washed over me increased as I arose from my passed out state and realized it was in a parking ramp that doesn't allow over night parking. On the plus side, at least I was safe and didn't drive home drunk? (help me here, I'm trying to make myself feel better). 

Anyways, last night started out fairly normal. I went to a local place to have a drink by the water with a friend who is in town for the week. Let's call him Boston Businessman. So BB and I have been friends for a few years, but we had a tumultuous friendship which consisted mainly of him being angry at me for dating other guys(not him) and a few drunken attacks at my face from his mouth. I had thought we were over this though--he's not been in the same city as me for about a year now. So, the night went well at first. We had some beer...and then some more beer.

Then his friend joined us. And he was hot. Really hot. Then he started talking about he was actually interesting and fun to be out with. I was looking good and started to think, hmm this could have potential. Then, about halfway through the night after I had consumed numerous mixed drinks and a few tequila shots(this was a mistake) and proceeded to word vomit the story of my life, including a lot of my sexual history which out of context makes me sound fairly slutty, this guy goes and says the worst thing ever: He's a virgin. Um? It got worse. He's actually waiting for marriage. People still do that? Like, really? I mean, I have a friend who tells people he's waiting for marriage because he is so religious but really he's just waiting for marriage with his current girlfriend, he's actually had sex quite a bit. So Virgin continues to talk about how so many girls have tried to sleep with him and he rejects them and maybe thats why he can't keep a girlfriend. You think? Virgin turns to me and says, "Yeah, most girls are really surprised to learn I am a virgin." I respond with,

"Maybe because your hot? And in your mid 20's?" That totally plummeted his stock. I can deal with guys who are slightly awkward or who may not have been totally sexually experienced but a guy who is unwilling to have sex before marriage. Not for me. I cursed fate for sending me a hottie who won't give it up.  At bar time, we went to leave and Virgin went to walk the other way so I left to walk to my car with Boston Businessman. 

About two blocks into the walk, I realized two things: I really couldn't drive home and I really wanted a sandwich. BB and I drunkenly stumbled into the sandwich shop (or at least I stumbled) and then continued on our way. Suddenly, BB pulls me into a dark alleyway. 

"Um, are you going to like assault me or something?" I asked. He turned to me and said, 

"Come on now, let's get real" as he leaned in towards my face. Oh great. Not again. I pride myself that BB is one of my only male friends I haven't slept with (which is why he is still my friend). So as BB aggressively made out with me, I stood there thinking, I am a 20 something standing in a dark alleyway making out with my friend at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. This is not good.  After I pushed him off of me, I asked him to give me a ride home. Back in his car, he attacked me again. This time, he was getting all handsy and groping me. Suddenly, he takes my hand and places it on his boner. Oh jesus. Things just kept getting worse. And the whole time I am like, Why on earth am I doing this? This just made me feel horrible because I know he is into me and for whatever reason, despite the fact that he is a really nice, good guy, I've never been able to look at him that way. Then he whispered in my ear, 

"Let's go back to your place." At this, I really had to push him away. 

"BB, I am not going to sleep with you. You are my friend. I am not going to fuck that up."

"But we won't fuck it up." Guys are such idiots. Obviously, you will say anything if you want to get laid.

"Yes, I always fuck it up. I want to still be your friend." BB decided to get all intense then.

"You will still be my friend, how long have you known me?" I thought about this. 

"I guess about 2 years or so?"

"And how long did you know all those other guys you've slept with?"

"Not that long..."

"Exactly." What? Drunk guys do not argue their points well when they are thinking with their penis. Needless to say, I said no, pushed him off of me and told him I'd see him tomorrow. Then I went upstairs and passed out.

When I woke up this morning, I had that familiar feeling of regret that I usually get after sleeping with someone I shouldn't. Strangely, the only time I feel this way when there is no sex involved is with BB. 

Is it really too much to ask to want to just have a good male friend who doesn't grope you in the alleyway at bar time?

You might be wondering, if I wasn't into it, why did I continue to make out with him for so long. Well, let me answer that for you:

Tequila. There is a reason I should never drink tequila. Especially on a Wednesday.