Lose-Lose Love Stories

Right now I have found myself in a lose-lose situation.

You see, I always thought that there was a win and a lose or sometimes if you are really lucky, both choices are a win. Those are the best. They don't really come along too often however. 

In all reality, my lose-lose situation started last fall but it's really started to hit me hard now. For lack of a better nick-name, I will call this one James. You'll hear James's story from the beginning but I have to sleep with a few other guys first before that part of my life comes up. Anyways, James is younger than me, and he has been dating a girl who is younger than him. The only problem is, James wasn't really into this girl. Sure, he enjoyed having sex with her and being with her but James is a commitment-phobe, or more so I think he just hasn't found the right girl because truthfully (as I have told him) if it's the right girl, he's not going to give a shit if he goes to school in a different state than her, he would do whatever he could to have her. So James has known the entire summer that he was going to stop seeing this girl once the summer ended. After learning he was doing this, something that I am all too familiar with, our conversation went something like this:

LL: James, you are an idiot, why are you seeing this girl

J: I don't know.

LL: Do you like her enough to stay with her?

J: You know how I feel about long distance relationships

LL: No, I think that is a bunch of bullshit. I know that if you really liked this girl, you would continue to date her no matter where you lived.

J: You're probably right, why are you always right.

LL: Because I am. So stop being a douche bag and stop seeing her before shit gets crazy.

J: No it will be fine, she gets it.

LL: Is she a girl?

J: yes...?

LL: Then it is never going to be fine and she is never going to get it. Girls don't think like that.

J: Yeah. You're right. Fuck.

A few nights later after trying to convince James multiple more times that it's not fair to date a girl who you already have decided when your breaking up with her, I get a message from him saying he ended it. I told him to come over for a drink since it had been a stressful day. 

Did I forget to mention that James and I have been sleeping together since last fall? Of course, when I was dating someone else we didn't...although about a week later we did....and when he was dating this girl, we didn't...but...

James and I have this incredible attraction to each other. We have amazing sex. Not the kind of sex that you are like, eh, this is alright but I could do without. The kind of sex that you think about the next day while you are at work or eating dinner with your brother and his new child or anywhere else equally inappropriate. The kind of sex you dream about. He's also one of the only guys I've ever felt extremely comfortable with. I love being with James and the other night when he came over, I knew what was going to happen as much as I wish it could just come to a natural end so that I wouldn't have to do anything about it. James and I woke up around 7 am the next morning to his phone buzzing, from a text message from this girl. Who he just broke up with. The same day I slept with him. 

I feel like a complete asshole. I told James that in no way was it my intention to get him to break up with her so that I could sleep with him and I needed him to know that. He said he did. Didn't make me feel any better. Now I am just so frustrated because I am so done with having sex with guys who don't care about me. I am sick of being the girl you sleep with instead of the girl you want to marry. I am so sick of feeling like a paralyzed, tongue tied little girl after I sleep with one of my best friends because I am scared of saying anything that will make him run. 

So here is what I feel like my options are:

1. Continue to have a casual, meaningless fabulous sex filled 'friendship' with James, but feel like shit every time after we sleep together

2. Tell James we can only be friends, which really means we will still sleep together because trust me, we tried that.

3. Tell James I don't think we should be anything anymore. 

All of these options make me upset. I know that James and I can't just be friends, there is just too strong of a physical attraction there. I also know that it would break my heart to not have him in my life anymore. 

So now I just have to decide which one of the not attractive options do I want to pursue? If you're wondering, 'hey, if you have such a good time together and have such great chemistry, why don't you date.' I will answer that with, good fucking question. Maybe you will have a bit more insight after one of my later posts. 

Goodbye AJ

I stood in the airport in Europe with AJ. I had just been to visit him after he had returned home and despite my desperate attempts to slow down time, two weeks had flown by and I was at the very moment I had most dreaded for the entire year. 

I had my arms wrapped tightly around AJ's body, my face pressed into the sweatshirt he wore, the one he bought in the local bookstore a week before he left my hometown. I couldn't stop sobbing. He pulled my chin up and said,

"This isn't goodbye forever. We are going to have so many more good times and this is just the beginning. I love you so much." I wanted so badly to believe him but the very thought of going home without him, leaving him 5000 miles behind tore at my insides. I couldn't speak I was so distraught. How could the love of my life leave me like this? 

AJ and I preceded to kiss (as in make out in the middle of a very busy airport) goodbye for about 5 minutes straight. I then kissed him, the last time I have ever kissed him and walked away, tears burning in my eyes. 

As I sat on the airplane, 9 excruciating hours in front of me in which I couldn't be alone and curl up in my own personal ball of emotional agony, I stared out the window while the tears flowed generously down my hot cheeks. My mother patted me annoyingly on the shoulder.

"Don't worry honey," she said. "There are lots of other fish in the sea." I swear to god I could have shot my mother right there. To this day I still consider that one of the most insensitive and misdirected comments I've ever received. Despite being 17, I have never loved anybody the way I loved AJ and as my deranged love life marches on I start to wonder if I will ever find that again...

Accepting All That Crap

I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons.

First of all, I am somewhat stumped as to where to go from here. Once I close my "AJ" relationship (or at least that part of it), to continue my story which leads me to my current love life, I have to write about the bad stuff, the part of my love life where things start to go downhill and get messy and unpleasant. I haven't written about this partly because I'm not sure I want to and partly because I don't know if people want to read that. I had such a good time writing about all of my crazy sexual adventures as a teenager and although they do continue...there are some bad times along the way. So here's to trying to get over that hump, finish my AJ story and then move on to the shitty times which hey, lets admit, are pretty much inevitable when you are trying to date 20 something men(I'm not sure they truly deserve this title but at the risk of sounding pedophile-ish I won't use the word 'boys'). 

I suppose I did say for a few reasons. Mainly it's that. Maybe partly because I got a little lazy too. Oops. Hope you are still reading my blog!