Leave Me Alone, Creepers

Last night I forgot to remove the I Like Creepers sign on my back before heading out for the evening. 

I thought I'd test out the power of the little-black-dress. The power is still there, unfortunately, who it attracts has just morphed from classy to trashy. 

Let's take a moment to identify each creeper I encountered last night so as to not confuse them once we delve into the creepy drunken mess that was my night. First of all we have Polish Giant, then there was Paris (apparently his real name which I find so interesting I'm not even going to bother to change it), then there was Phlegm and last but not least Detroit Chocolate. 

The night started off uneventful and boring like most of the nights out with my friends. As we sat in a booth in a local bar, squished between a few of my girlfriends and one of our guy friends who consistently licks the side of my face when he drinks, I realized I needed to get out of there. 

"Let's go somewhere else, I can't work my game from inside this booth." And so we did. We took our little tipsy bums over to creeper-land. I, unlike many of my friends, enjoy talking to new people while out. I figure, if I'm going to go out to drink, the point is to talk to people I don't know, otherwise wouldn't I just drink at home? So I found a group of recently graduated lawyers (mmm taste the potential) and planted myself in the middle of their conversation. Unfortunately, the guy I was actually into talking to walked away and left me with Polish Giant who had seriously wide set eyes that slightly resembled fetal alcohol syndrome and a weird crooked smile which was not attractive. After he told me his life story which included each place in Europe that he has lived (trust me the list was not short), he decided to burden me with his big life decision about moving to Germany to practice Law or staying in town to work with companies that clean water (how the fuck are those two even slightly related?). I decided I had had enough of Polish Giant and was worried he might ask for my number or something. 

As I walked away, a cute blond boy stopped and gaped at me and said, "wow you're cute." Nice line buddy. So this boy happened to be a lawyer as well, apparently they were in an abundance last night and he started to tell me how much he loved my polo style dress. I'm not sure this an acceptable comment for a straight guy, then again, neither is wearing a V-neck T-shirt and seersucker shorts. A few minutes into the conversation, I realized I didn't know his name and since I actually was slightly intrigued I decided to ask. When he responded Paris, I nearly choked on the ice in my vodka tonic. "That's great, like Paris Hilton" I told him.

"No, like the city." Wow, what a genius. 

"So are you practicing law right now?"

"Nope" Paris started to get a bit handsy and was attempting to hold my hand and grope me at the same time. 

"So what do yo do?" I shook his hand out of mine. Excuse me, but you are not my boyfriend and we do not need to hold hands. 

"I sell coke." This was a new one. I'm not really sure how to respond in this situation. I didn't really want him to send out his supplier to kill me if I answered wrong.

"Um..cool?" Paris laughed.

"I'm just kidding, I used to be a pot dealer though. Before I was a lawyer that is." Right. I feel super comforted in who is defending the public. 

All of a sudden, I was ambushed. As Paris leaned in close to my face he murmured, "Can I kiss you?" 

"No you may not, I don't even know you." Despite everything, I am not the girl who makes out with some random in the middle of a bar. 

Right in the nick of time, Paris's friend came up and told him they were leaving for an after bar party. (I wasn't aware that those still occurred after college). "Do you want to come, 135 1st St." Sorry Paris, going to pass on this one. 

I walked out of the bar to try and find the group of friends I had come with and as I walked past a group of 3 men, one, a very tall, very dark haired, very handsome one stopped and stared at me. "She's cute!" He exclaimed. I giggled and gave him my best, I'm thinking about you naked, smile. 

"Hi there" Then he looked down at my chest, looked back at his friends and proceeded to say,

"Look! Another Jew!" Wow. 

"Um, do you know your speaking out loud?" I asked him. He just smiled. Not sure he was the brightest crayon in the box. As cute as he was, turns out Phlegm had a name that rhymed with his nick-name and he didn't even live in town. Not interested. Strangely, he invited me to the same A-bar that Paris did. 

Finally I managed to make my way to my friends and we proceeded to walk back to our respective homes. Somehow I ended up walking with one of my guy friends who I was unaware was even at the bars. This was good. I could make it home safely and without anymore unnecessary creeping. Wrong. 

A tall drink of chocolate milk approached me while I was on my cell-phone with my friend.

"Oh shit, she's talking to her boyfriend!" Annoyed, I shooed him away with my hand and said, 

"It's not my boyfriend." This was obviously a mistake. 

"Oooh, it's not her boyfriend! Hey girl, I just really want to get to know you, where you going?" God, will this never end?

"To my apartment..." He looked panicked.

"Well, can I buy you a drink? or some food? Can I buy you a steak?" A steak? Are you fucking serious? Who eats steaks at 3:00 AM? 

"Um, I don't think they sell steaks at this time of night." I answered. All the while my guy friend stood by, useless as most guys are. 

"Sure they do, right here." Detroit Chocolate pointed to the store behind him, which indeed had an awning which said RED STEAKS. Great. It was like a scene from a bad movie. 

"No I don't think so." As we walked away, I hit my guy friend on the arm. "You jackass, why didn't you pretend to be my boyfriend?" 

"You didn't give me the signal!!" He defended himself. Guys are so useless. Women shouldn't have to give any sort of signal when someone is creeping on them and offering to buy them large slabs of meat at 3:00 AM. 

I am glad that apparently I was looking good last night, but all in all, Polish Giant, Paris, Phlegm and Detroit chocolate did nothing for me in the long run. This makes me nervous. I worry I am never going to find a normal guy. Quite possibly, searching for my life partner at the bars is not the best idea. Something to consider.