Stop Sucking On My Face, Jim

Jim and I continued to fool around on a weekly basis for about the next year and a half or so, right up until the summer before Junior year of high school. I think we had one of those relationships where both people are never in the same place at the same time. Either I really was into Jim, and he only wanted me for some sporadic oral action, or Jim was all over me and I felt slightly nauseated by his presence. Regardless, we still could find time to rub up on one another. 

There was a problem though. A very significant one. I had managed to overlook this while we were dating, partly because I really liked him and mostly because I was 14 and had never done anything with anyone else (oh to be so innocent and naive again...). Jim was a horrible kisser. Even having never kissed anybody before, I could still recognize this. I don't just mean he wasn't great, or it wasn't my style. It was awful. Sometimes, I considered slapping him in the face and screaming, "What are you doing?" Jim was one of those attack-with-their mouth-wide-open-and-gag-you-with-their-tongue kind of kissers. As Jim would shove his entire tongue into my mouth and slobber all over my face, I would ponder different ways to get him to refine his kissing technique. Sometimes I wanted smaller more intimate kisses. Jim did not understand this concept. Apparently keeping his mouth open and assaulting me with his tongue was his idea of a romantic kiss. He never even closed his mouth to change positions or take a breather. Is that even considered kissing? 

One time after I decided my jaw hurt from keeping it open as wide as I could for 15 minutes with Jim licked every corner of my mouth, I put a plan into action. Jim came at me, his mouth all wide and ready for action, but this time I kept mine closed. Firmly. After he attached to my face like one of those sucker fish, he pulled back in confusion. I was delighted. Finally, I thought, he will ask me what's wrong and I can show him a normal, appropriate kiss. Wrong. Instead, Jim jammed his face into mine and forcefully pushed his tongue against my teeth like he was trying to break down a wall. I don't think so, Jim. After this incident, I had had enough of Jim and his peep-show penis and bad kissing. 

Are you sick of Jim yet? Good, because I sure as hell was. Unfortunately, this won't be the last time Jim shows up in LadyLindsay's love life, but we will leave him be for a while. 

What comes next is the period in my life which I like to call, "reasons my future children will be GPS monitored at all times."